This story is the story of a man who lives inside his head, whose world is filled with thoughts and who exists in those thoughts. You may not find any sensible reasons to believe in it and I do not expect to as well, but maybe this will help someone who can relate to it, and who is in need of hope. If you're such person, this story I write it for you.
And after times that felt like eternities, I finally gave up, I had to be free, I had to be me. I was two persons at once; one, that I wanted to be and the other, the one which I really was. Fazed by the worldly ways of life, I lost myself. I was lost, lost deep within the realms of my own mind. After all the suffering and numerous trials to find myself and the purpose of my life, I was still unsuccessful. The more I searched, the more I questioned myself, the more I would find myself into more and more complications. My world started to be limited inside my very own head, everything else I lost track. I was lost, without any hope of finding myself, and only a hopeless man knows what it's like to be in that situation. I reached to the point of saturation, super-saturation I might say for a man of my character, I gave up. I looked towards God, I felt that was the only way though being a man of science which forced me not to believe. Hopelessness and desperation, if anyone has come across it, only they may understand what I mean, others I do not expect understanding. If you have ever felt like you want to escape your body and free yourself from the entrapment of the physical form you're representing, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So after all the denying to believe in God, years and years of, I fell to the ground, giving up on everything, I put infront Christ, and I told every bit of truth about the lies about myself. All the lies that I was made up of, all the lies that made me me, which I was so uncomfortable with that I couldn't even let myself consciously think about it, I let it out. I no longer cared about my own judgement, I was telling the truth to myself, I was letting the "Me" out from me, and I put it all on God's head. And then you may not believe it, but I felt free, I felt the "Me" taking over me and the feeling, I wish I could describe. The realization: "The moment you take the courage to accept who you are, you are free!" And that I have been ever since, exactly who I am, just me and nothing else, free to express or to not express, with no fear of judgement.
I have been a man whose life is based on science, and I have always been persuaded by my beliefs that God does not exist. But science as now I see is not something that can say there is no God, but it is a language of God.
So what is God to me? How do I look at Him? Is he something hypothetical, or is He man-made? To tell you the truth, I'm not sure myself. But what I do believe is that everything happens for good, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how many wrong turns you make that drift you away from what you want, you'll always reach to a point where you'll have no regrets. Despite all the wrongs you do, you get the right reward, do you not??? And this very thing is what I believe is the grace of God. What else could make it happen? Think about it! Can anyone give any scientific reasons for it? There are things way beyond science, something indescribable. If you look beyond the physical world and enter the universe inside your head which is a billion times bigger than the physical universe and try to find yourself within that, you may understand what I mean.
I don't know if I could speak the right words or put you into deeper confusions, but it's not upto me to make you feel that you've got your feet on only one boat, the right boat. I just want to say that I have felt things indescribable, and that you're not alone. The most important thing to remember in life is that you are important and no other more than you. You were meant to live for yourself and for no others. Just take the path that you feel the best and believe in the fact that after the end of your journey, you'll have reached the right place and all the troubles and worries in the end are useless. May you be free, may God bless you. 7yr ago